DEAR Jasminda,
MY new girlfriend sleeps with her dog (Brutus) in the bed.
I really like her, but I find this behaviour bizarre and, frankly, a relationship breaker. How do I navigate this?
Gerard P.
Dear Gerard,
The early phase of a relationship is often marked by constant affection, but this should not include waking to Brutus the rottweiler with his tongue in your ear.
It must be easier in the modern world of dating to list some non-negotiables when seeking a new partner.
Perhaps, instead of focusing on desirable attributes like a person’s age and their physical characteristics, people should instead be basing their selection on what really matters.
I think first dates should be accompanied by a checklist.
It could include things like: Do you pre-rinse your dishes before stacking the dishwasher? What are your feelings about leaving a milk carton with one teaspoon of remaining milk in the fridge?
After a shower, do you cover every available surface with excess water, or do you wipe the shower down with a squeegee and microfibre cloth? Do your political views align
more with Joe Exotic or Leonardo DiCaprio? And, of course, does your dog sleep in the laundry, in its own bed, or does it sleep with its paws wrapped around your neck and its dog breath in your face?
Unfortunately, in your case, you have been swept up by romanticism and it’s left you vulnerable (and dosed up on antihistamines due to your recently acquired pet allergy).
I think you need to have some honest conversations around this, because a pet is a long-term commitment.
It’s not a problem that will just skulk away with its tail between its legs.
You may also need to accept some brutal honesty in return.
Perhaps, in the contest between you and Brutus, you will not end up the victor.
Instead, you will suffer the fate of Julius Caesar, with your girlfriend (and her dog) looking daggers at you, then meeting (undercover) to plot their Shakespearean revenge.
Carpe diem,
Jasminda.
